Dreams...

I didn't sleep well last night after blogging, I wasn't sure if I'd made the right decision about sharing my dirty little secret with the world. I even had one of "those" dreams. For many years I would have dreams of using, waking up in a cold sweat, questioning my sobriety although I knew I'd never touched the stuff. The dreams are so real I could almost smell and taste the nasty CRAP I used to crave. I truly believe that I am supposed to dream about it occasionally so that I never forget where I came from, so that I never go back. God has helped me over the years with staying on the right path, never relapsing, never having cravings. I owe it all to Him, for alone I am not as strong of a person to handle such demons.

Last night right before blogging I told both my children. We had scratched the surface when Johnny was about 11 or 12, but was told afterwards by a therapist that it was a horrible mistake to ever tell a young child, for it may forever ruin the relationship of the parent/child. So, we pretended that it never happened, but Johnny told me that he remembered me telling him. We discussed it in further detail and it ended up being very therapeutic for both of us. Jordan, on the other hand took it a bit differently. She never knew anything about it and after many tears and lots of questions, she was okay. She did have a couple things to say which I thought was pretty profound. She told me that the feeling that she liked most was the feeling of self control. She also said that there was no way she would ever do drugs because she heard that it killed your brain cells and there was no way she was about to lose any of HER brain cells! Thank God I have such wonderful children. This story could have had such a different ending and yet (as a family) we pulled it together and turned things around. I'm proud of us :)

Peace to you all ~ Love, Genie

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Willow Rock Way,Sacramento,United States

Happy Birthday...

Many thanks to my brother Jeff and sister-in-law Sheryl for my beautiful new iPad2, I can't begin to tell you how blessed I feel right now. I've been thinking all day about how to express my gratitude, but then I realized that Jeff already knows how much I love him and appreciate him, so once again, thank you for making my life easier. I can now blog from anywhere, video tape for my children and many, many more features that I'm just learning about. It's all at my fingertips now and I love it :) Thank you again.

Now to discuss something pretty deep that I've been holding onto for 14 years. I decided that since this is MY blog that I would share what was on my mind and if people couldn't handle it, to please log off now, I'll be happy to have you return later. So here it goes...today is the 14th anniversary of the day I stopped my substance abuse. I was 17 years old and right out of high school when I started dating a guy that introduced me to something he called "go fast". He said that it was an energy-type powder and that it would help me work those two jobs that I had and give me some extra energy. I had never done drugs in my life and so I naturally told him that I wasn't interested, but he lied and promised me it wasn't anything that would harm me. Boy was he wrong. He chopped it up and put (crank) underneath my tongue. That night I broke two coffee pots as I ran around the restaurant, I couldn't calm down. I was instantly attracted to this feeling and wanted more. That was the beginning of a 13 year run. My family didn't know, most of the world didn't know (so I thought). I got married to the love of my life and even used for five years of our marriage without him knowing. He worked a lot and I had a lot of free time. John assumed that I was moody and had sleeping issues. When I wasn't sleeping, I was going 1,000 miles per hour. He never suspected I did drugs because he completely trusted and loved me with all his being. I abused that trust and it wasn't until after Johnny and Jordan were born did it all come crashing down. I was prescribed Zoloft for post-pardon depression and the combination of the two drugs hit head on and I nearly overdosed. Jeff walked me into a psychiatric hospital where they treated me and I detoxed. Afterwards I immediately went into rehab (in-patient) where I stayed for 3 weeks. I wanted to go home and be with my family, so I went straight into an out-patient rehab and graduated from the program. That was 14 years ago. We uprooted the family and moved to Sacramento to find a place away from "there". We needed a fresh new start. I'm proud of my sobriety and had been looking forward to this "birthday" for years because now I have more "clean time" than time I used. Yahoo!! Thank you for listening to my story...

Peace to you all ~ Love, Genie


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Willow Rock Way,Sacramento,United States

Goodbye Kaiser, Hello Sutter Health...

I haven't blogged in weeks and I apologize for that. I've been depressed over a few things and haven't been in the mood to share. Now that things have smoothed over a bit, I'm ready to let you all in. A couple weeks ago I received a phone call from Kaiser informing me that I haven't had insurance since January 1st. WTF?! I couldn't believe my ears. I was under the impression that since I was on a Medical Leave of Absence, DMV was paying for my insurance. Well, apparently they only pay 26 weeks and that was up a long time ago. It was news to me. I would like to have been informed when the insurance ran out! They did, however, offer to let me continue on with coverage for the entire family at a low cost of $1358.71 a month. Again...WTF?! I'm on state disability for heaven's sake, that's not gonna work! So, John got on the phone and switched us over to his insurance, however, his company doesn't offer Kaiser. I was crushed. I couldn't imagine having to change health plans in the middle of chemotherapy treatment! How was I going to say goodbye to Dr. Hui? And the wonderful chemo nurses? Well, like I said, things have smoothed over a bit and I have heard fantastic things about Sutter Health, including what awesome Oncologists they have. So, as of May 1st, we'll be a part of Sutter and I will continue on with my treatment through them. My last visit with Dr. Hui is tomorrow and since my white blood cell count was too low for treatment last week, I will have my final chemo this coming Friday. Although it'll be hard (like change usually is), I'm willing to do it because I know that everything will work out. At first it was hard for me to accept, but I know that it'll be okay.

As for this Saturday, if you're in the area, I would LOVE for you to stop by Ettore's European Bakery & Restaurant where we are putting on a fundraiser to help raise money towards fighting breast cancer. I'm a part of team RAC-PAC that walks in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure on May 7th. If you'd like to read about it or see the write-up about ME, then check it out at http://www.ivegotabeefwithcancer.com/ and click on the WHY tab. Jordan and I will be working the door from 3-7 p.m. (or as long as I can handle it considering I'm having treatment the day before). There's a special "pink" menu and if you order from it, 100% of the proceeds go towards fighting the cause!! Special props go out to Sonia for all of her hard work that she puts into it 24/7. You're awesome Sonia, thank you for all you do.

Peace to you all ♥ Love, Genie

Top Ten Reasons You May Want to Go Bald...

First of all...I don't know why I'm having such trouble lately with this layout, but I spend a great deal of time going over it and the blog is just squeezing it all together :( Sorry! If you're considering cutting your hair, you may want to read over the ten top reasons I feel that you should go bald instead... (10.) You never have bad hair days! (9.) Never have to worry about covering up the gray! (8.) Save money by using absolutely no hair care products whatsoever (7.) No more bed head (6.) No more hat head (5.) You can put the top down on the convertible without worrying about your hair (4.) No more tangles (3.) No more brushes or combs (2.) You can look like Demi Moore in G.I. Jane! And the top reason for shaving your head...(drum role please)... (1.) You can leave the house with just a little lipstick and sunscreen! Here's to another beautiful day out there! Don't forget your lipstick and sunscreen :) Peace to you all ♥ Love, Genie

Frustration...

John and I went out to lunch with my sister-in-law Monica today and had a wonderful time. I wish I had "moments" like that all day, instead they're scattered throughout my week. When we got home I guess my stomach thought I'd overdone it and decided to bring my lunch right back up :( What a waste of money! If only we could get refunded whenever that happened! But just spending some quality time with Monica was well worth it and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. The other day I got a notice in the mail from EDD saying that they were giving me my final SDI check because they had been informed that I was no longer disabled. WTF?! Excuse the expression, but are you kidding me? They were kind enough to include a page stating that if this was perhaps not the case, that my doctor would have to fill out this form and turn it back in. As if that's not enough, we're trying to figure out the paperwork for Disability Retirement and if you've ever done that before, you know what a huge headache it is. It's not just a little form to fill out, it's doctor's forms, work forms, tons of questions relating to beneficiaries, etc. and it's SO confusing. We're going to walk into CalPers and hopefully they'll be able to help us with all of our questions. Just because I go and get this horrible disease and cannot work as much as they want me to I have no choice but to be out on a Medical Leave of Absence (MLOA). Well, in order to pay for my benefits (which I obviously need) they're "loaning" me money by setting up an Accounts Receivable at work. When my MLOA is over, then I'll have to pay it all back! Since we're not made of money and there's no way I can just continue on like that, we've decided to go with the Disability Retirement option. Of course they don't make anything easy and now I've got this crap to deal with. I'm sorry, I'm just a little frustrated at this point. I'm not the one who ever wanted to stop working in the first place and now it's as if I'm being punished for having cancer :( Not fair. Okay, I'm finished. No more whining. Together we'll figure it out and get the paperwork filled out and turned in. But in the meantime, if anyone happens to have a magic wand, I would love to borrow it :) Peace to you ♥ Love, Genie

No More Bad Hair Days...

As I was showering yesterday clumps of hair were in piles at my feet. I new that it would be my last day with hair (at least for awhile). Sheryl's hairdresser has offered to shave my head today, which is so much easier than waiting for it to just fall out. Besides, it falls out in bunches, leaving patches all over my scalp...not pretty. After I got dressed I went in to take a comb to my hair and there was a part sticking straight up, so what did I do? Just pulled it out :) that was the solution.

I keep reminding myself that no hair is so much easier than dealing with haircuts, dye jobs, and the cost of haircare products. And besides that, you never have bad hair days!

Peace to you all ~ Love, Genie

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Potomac Pl,Gilroy,United States

The Cather's Inn...

We came down to Gilroy last night to spend a few days with my brother Jeff and his family. It's literally like staying at the "Cather's Inn" when we come to visit, it's purely rest and relaxation :) Besides the comfort of their beautiful home, Sheryl is an amazing cook and they feed us very well.

This morning I was going to accompany Sheryl to her hair appointment and I was supposed to be ready by 8:30, but unfortunately I was in a lot of pain in the early morning and automatically turned off my alarm clock when I got up to take meds. What a bummer, I was really looking forward to some girl time with my sister-in-law. Although my hair is about to fall out, I was going to have a nice shampoo :)

I'm using Jeff's iPad right now and I must say it's pretty damn cool! To be able to sit anywhere and blog without having to use a computer or laptop is amazing...I'm a HUGE fan. And to think of all the other features it has on it (video chat, internet, app store, etc) this is pretty incredible. There you go Jeff, a nice plug for you! My brother happens to work @ Apple :)

Well, that's all for now. Who knows, I may even post again while we're here.

Peace to you all ~ Love, Genie

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Potomac Pl,Gilroy,United States