Not Holding Back...

I was asked yesterday what the problem has been lately in regards to my blog, whether or not it had become bothersome. To set the story straight, no, it hasn't become bothersome, however, I have had a definite problem with blogging lately. I believe that it's because I feel pressured into always being positive and uplifting whenever I blog and I'm not always feeling that way. I'm afraid if I blog my true feelings on the days in which I'm not feeling good, you may not want to hear it. However, I think that I need to get it out and this form of journaling will probably do more good than anything if I share my true feelings with you. So...hear goes. From now on I'll be brutally honest with my raw feelings, not holding back.

Today I stayed home from work because the neuropathy in my feet was hurting so bad that it literally hurt to walk across the floor. Later in the day I managed to get to the store and bought some soft slippers so my feet are feeling somewhat better. I'm about to take all my meds and go to bed, but it'll be a restless night (as usual). I toss and turn all night long, but it hurts so bad to just roll over at night that I actually get up out of bed turn around, and then lay back down. Fun huh? Not so much. Especially if I'm really tired. But the alternative is laying in pain on one side or the other and I'd rather get up and reposition myself. I can't lay on my back at all and laying on my stomach just doesn't feel comfortable either. When John's snoring gets to be too much for me (since my sleep is so broken up), I gather my pillows and lay out on the couch. I usually spend about 4-5 nights a week on the couch :( Believe me, John feels AWFUL about it and is working on trying out a sleep apnea machine to help with the snoring issue. I hate to bring it up because he feels so badly.

Well, off to bed for now. I promise to not hold out anymore. I hope to get back to blogging on a regular basis :)

Peace to you all ♥ Love, Genie

Spoke Too Soon...

So maybe I spoke too soon. Yesterday and today I've been under the weather :( Yesterday was my second treatment of the new chemo and last night I vomited several times, not fun. Then today, I've been able to keep everything down, but barely (with the help of the anti-nausea meds I have). What happened to "this chemo will be much easier, less side effects"? Gosh, so far it hasn't been fun. My hair has started to thin out, it's been falling out on my pillow, in the shower, and in my hair brush. I'm nervous about losing it, but it's almost easier that way, then hair wouldn't be falling out all over the place. Yes, at least I know the chemo is working when I lose my hair, and heck, it's almost winter again and wearing the hats won't be such a bad thing. Believe me, I've got several to choose from by now :)

Well, that's all for now. I sure hope the nausea stops tomorrow, that would be awesome.

Peace to you all ♥ Love, Genie

Side Effects - Much Better...

I don't know if it was the excitement over the SF Giants going to the playoffs or if this new chemo is that different, but yesterday was a great day! I'm hoping it was the new chemo and that it's going to be much easier than the Avastin has been for me in the past. Although (so far) the side effects have been easier on me, the pain still remains :( I don't know which is better, having to pop pain pills throughout the day and living in a weird fog or dealing with the long list of side effects that comes along with the chemo (like the nausea, vomiting, lethargy, neuropathy, etc.). Well, either way, at least I'm still here and ready to handle whatever life throws at me, no problem.

I imagine that if the side effects ease up and my recovery time is less, perhaps I can work more often and feel almost "normal" again. Wow, that would be awesome. Can you imagine? Actually working an 8 hour shift would be quite a long day, but maybe I can handle that in the near future :) I know, it sounds so weird for me to get excited over that considering John (and a lot of people out there) work 10-12 hours a day on a regular basis. Well, those days are definitely over for me right now. But, we'll try and start with 8.

And finally, we're so stinkin' proud of our San Francisco Giants, it's been crazy around here!! John and I want to believe that his (very loyal fan of a mother) had something to do with their win last night. I can see Pauline as an angel in the outfield helping her team out a little bit. Go Giants!!

Peace to you all ♥ Love, Genie

Now that I've figured out how to attach pictures, you may see more of me than you'll want too! LOL :) Today was my first day on my new chemotherapy. It's called Gemcitabine (Gemzar for short) and apparently it's supposed to be way easier on me than Avastin & Taxol were, so yay! My new schedule is 2 weeks on, 1 week off, 2 weeks on, 1 week off, etc.

Yesterday was a really hard day and after digesting everything that Dr. Hui said, I got a good night's sleep and had a very good day today. I woke up with a purpose this morning and that was to fight this damn cancer as hard as I can. Without rehashing everything that was said yesterday, I can tell you that my cancer counts (the tumor marker) has gone up from 40 to 50 to 60 to now it's at 118. Dr. Hui said that she's going to skip the scans this time around because she already knew what they were going to say. At first I took that as...."there's no hope", but after speaking w/Luanne, she (as she usually does) helped me interpret it as how Dr. Hui probably meant it and that was..."I already know that your numbers are up, so your tumor has grown, and I don't want to put you through unnecessary radiation & have you laying on your back for a long period of time to have those scans done. Since it hurts to lay on those tables, I don't want to put you in any more pain at this time."

So instead of dwelling on my life, I helped the man sitting next to me see the brighter side of life and showed him that the power of positive thinking really does help. Paul, if you can hear me out there, NEVER give up!! Keep the faith and you'll be around for a very long time. May God Bless You ♥

And Sonia, thank you for visiting with me today, I appreciate your friendship so much :) And thank you for my beautiful tulips & t-shirt, I love them. Too bad you weren't in the picture with me.

Peace to you all ♥ Love, Genie

P.S. I think when I attached the picture I messed up the format or something and so my paragraphs are weird. Oh well, I tried :)

Change is Good...

So I've been in a real funk lately and hopefully it's over! I had a nice talk w/Luanne and we came to the realization that the one year anniversary was way more meaningful than I'd realized...deep down inside. I really kind of thought that I'd be over the cancer by now and that the one year anniversary would be a nice celebration. Well, no, it doesn't work like that. At least not in my situation. Luanne helped me look at things in a more positive way and rather than thinking of how long it's been, she reminded me of how far we've come in that amount of time. She also reminded me of the fact that change can be good and that just because the Avastin is no longer working, doesn't mean this is the end. That there's many other "cocktails" out there that we can try, so I don't need to sit and worry about that. It was a nice talk w/Luanne and sometimes that's exactly what I need to get my head back in the game.

So...yesterday was my birthday and now I have replaced those horrible birthday memories with happy ones. I ended up having a wonderful day filled with love and happiness, and my honey sent those beautiful flowers to me! What a lucky girl I am :)

Peace to you all ♥ Love, Genie

Talking With Nurse Mary...

Wow, two blogs in two days...I'm on a roll! Actually, I can't sleep (thanks to the steroid) and so I thought I would follow up with some news from my oncology nurse yesterday. When I went to have my treatment I told her all about my cancer cells increasing and she said that it was pretty amazing that I have been on Avastin for 11 months, that most patients usually hit the 6 months point and they're changing out their meds. She proceeded to tell me not to be discouraged, that they may end up changing my meds 2, 3, 4 times during this process, that this is just the way chemotherapy works. I asked her if I would definitely lose my hair again and she said absolutely not, that it all depends upon the chemo, that with some you don't lose your hair at all. YAY!! She asked what I was switching to, but I told her that Dr. Hui hadn't decided yet, but that I would know in a couple weeks, when I start my next cycle. She also informed me that my schedule would probably change too, and that my side affects may be different. I'm so glad that she had the time to go over everything with me, it really made me feel a lot better.

Peace to you all ♥ Love, Genie

Cancer Counts Are Up...

I have a tendency to either sleep a lot or just lose contact when things aren't going so good. Well, last week I had an appointment with Dr. Hui and she explained to me that my tumor marker was showing that my cancer counts are going up, and that they've been slightly elevated since May. WHAT?! All I heard from that was cancer and going up. After she explained to me again, I started to understand. Apparently, after doing a study on Avastin (my main chemo drug), they realized that they didn't need to use such a high dose on cancer patients and so they lower my dosage a little while back. Well, after we talked, Dr. Hui decided to bring my dosage back up for this cycle and she would keep an eye on my cancer counts. If nothing changes, then we're going to switch chemo drugs and I will be on a new cocktail. I'm not good with change :( All I could think of was the fact that for the past 11 months I've gotten accustomed to this particular routine and quite frankly, I didn't want anything to change. I imagine that with new chemo, comes those lovely side affects, and that I will probably lose my hair again :( I currently have a short VERY curly hairdo that I will surely miss if it falls out again. Yes, it's just hair....but still, again?! So this is why I hibernated for a few days and didn't tell anyone. I figured that if nobody knew, it would go away, right?! Nope, still there. One of these days I will learn that ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away.

Today I go to chemo and Johnny is going to be accompanying me since Monica isn't able to make it. It's chemo #32 for the year. It's sure sweet of my kids to come along whenever I don't have anyone, I'm sure it's a thrill a minute for them! haha :)

Today I need to focus on ACCEPTANCE. I need to accept the things I cannot change. And as the Serenity Prayers states, "the courage to change the things I can".

Peace to you all ♥ Love, Genie